From my many years of working as a couples and relationship therapist, I’ve noticed some common patterns that couples tend to fall into when they argue. These patterns lead to mistakes that really get in the way of communicating effectively. Let me share the four most common ones with you, along with some tips on how to handle them.

Mistake 1: Avoiding Conflicts Altogether

So many couples believe that avoiding arguments means having a healthy relationship! But the opposite is the truth: Conflict of interests is natural when two people with different hearts and histories come together. Moreover, the more time you and your partner spend together, the more discrepancies arise and require your attention.

The real problem rests not in disagreement, but in silencing the problems. Yes, some people tend to swallow frustrations instead of speaking them. Or they channel them into other things: sports, work, or friendships (talking about constructive ones), or affairs or addictions (talking about destructive ones). However, even constructive channeling doesn’t eliminate resentment, and it still grows like a slow poison. Those unspoken things don’t vanish; they just wait and pile up until they explode in ways that leave deeper scars for both partners.

Try this: Catch the conflict early and try to discuss things as they heat up, not after they’ve blown out of proportion.

Mistake 2: Ignoring the Personal History and the Role of Past Traumas

While short-term relations can be accidental and non-significant, in long-term relationships, partners are drawn on a much deeper personal level than meets the eye, and arguments are rarely just about the present moment. We bring our past experiences, such as childhood traumas, insecurities, and unmet needs, into every disagreement.

Without realizing it, we often project onto our partner:

• How we wish we’d been loved
• How we’re terrified of being hurt again

In an attempt to protect ourselves, we try to tame our partner and place on them much higher expectations than we did at the beginning of the relationship. Yes, once the relationship develops, we want to protect ourselves from disappointment and the lack of love from our partner.

Try this: Getting to know how traumas influence your projections is not an easy task; it is one of the things that requires serious digging. I suggest you read my article “Why we turn into children in relationships (and expect a fairy tale,” in which I describe how we tend to project.

Sometimes, couples forget what good things unite them. So, if you and your partner are up to it, write up to five things that you love and appreciate about your partner, then share them with one another.

Mistake 3: Expecting Your Partner to Think Like You

Oh, how many people sigh bitterly: “If only my husband or wife saw things my way, they’d be perfect for me!” But here’s the painful irony: that very mindset creates the distance it fears.

When we try to passionately convince partners to see things as we do, they feel that we don’t accept them for who they are. It leads to more arguments than the subject of the argument. Your partner isn’t you. They have their own heart, their own fears, their own way of moving through the world. Trying to mold them into your image only leaves you both feeling lonely. And, moreover, in a happy and healthy relationship, they don’t have to think like you or be like you. Exploring the differences creates the complementarity in your bond and enriches your relationship.

Try this: Listen to your partner to the end, and ask clarifying questions before you come up with your own answer. I know this can be hard at times—that’s why the presence of a professional at such times could help.

Mistake 4: Letting Emotions Overwhelm the Conversation

When emotions take over, logic disappears. A simple talk about splitting chores or planning a vacation can suddenly become a battlefield of old pain.

There are two ways to address emotions in an argument:

1. Set the emotions aside. Acknowledge that you both are getting too emotional, and it stands in the way of resolving the problem you are arguing about. It helps sometimes to get to the logical track, while acknowledging that what and how you are discussing the thing elicits a strong emotional response from either of you or both of you.

2. While the above way is helpful at times, it is impossible to sweep the emotions under the rug forever. Therefore, my recommendation is: if strong emotions arise in the argument, unless the subject should be resolved immediately, focus on discussing the emotions and temporarily put the subject aside.

Managing emotions in arguments—both your own and your partner’s—by accepting them rather than suppressing them is an amazing skill that makes arguments and overall communication about significant subjects much easier and more pleasant.

Try this: Start with yourself: Learn to identify and handle your own emotions, not suppress them. It will make handling your partner’s emotions, as well as emotional arguments, much easier.

To conclude: Healthy relationships don’t need to be conflict-free, they need to be conflict-aware. Learning to argue well doesn’t pull you apart, it keeps your bond close, intimate, and personal.

For more info on how to regulate emotions during arguments, see my course Anger Management For Couples

 

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