Narcissism and the Lack of Relationship Satisfaction

 

Both children and partners of narcissistic people report a lack of satisfaction in their relationships with them. (1, 2) They mention such themes as insecurity in relationships, unrealistic expectations, a negative or fragile sense of self and difficulty with intimacy, as well as infidelity. (2,3) Narcissism is also connected with aggression, which in turn, is negatively linked with the partner’s relationship satisfaction. (2)

Moreover, people high in grandiose narcissism (arrogance, excessive self-importance, seeking admiration) and people high in vulnerable narcissism (hypersensitivity, insecurity, entitlement) report that they themselves are not very satisfied in their relationships. (4)

So, narcissism seems to evaporate pleasure from relationships both for narcissistic people and their partners. But why?

 

1. Thwarted unrealistic expectations

 

Imagine a couple, Mark and Dana, on vacation with friends. The sun is warm, the smell of saltwater is in the air, and laughter bubbles up from their friends nearby. They tell funny stories, everyone chuckles, everybody is having a great time!

Except for Mark. Mark is smiling, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. While everyone else is simply in the moment, he’s a million miles away and a storm is raging inside his head. That story? It wasn’t nearly as good as his story and they didn’t laugh that long at his. That promotion their friend just mentioned? Mark is already tallying how he’ll top it when he’s back from vacation. The relaxed ease of the gathering feels unattainable to him. He can’t just enjoy a sunset and good company, because he’s planning how to win the vacation.

This story isn’t just from imagination. The research of Besser et al (5) shows a relationship between narcissism, especially in men, and disappointment from vacations. Men with high levels of vulnerable narcissism reported that they were significantly less satisfied with their sea holidays than other people.

Other studies (12, 13) illustrate the negative relationship between narcissism and responses to positive situations in both genders. People with narcissistic traits tend to expect things to be better than they realistically could be, then experience bitter disappointment. And this includes vacations, relationships and the behavior of their loved ones.

 

2. Perfectionism vs authenticity

 

Casale at al (6) tell us that the major reason narcissists are unhappy in relationships is their perfectionistic self-presentation—the constant need to seem flawless and perfect to their partners and to conceal any imperfections. Lemay & Clark (15) found that concealing parts of oneself for the sake of approval negatively impacts the partner’s relationship satisfaction. So, the need to appear perfect instilled by narcissism steals satisfaction out of the relationship.

The pursuit of perfection is not the same as the need to be good, loved or skillful. It creates a relentless striving, which is exhausting not only to narcissistic people, but also to their loved ones. They are exploiting themselves, grinding themselves into dust and they exploit others too, seeing people as stepping stones or resources to be used in their quest.

Life’s simple pleasures such as a quiet morning, a good leisurely meal, or a candid shared laugh are completely lost on them. They can’t stop to reflect on how they can perfect their life, their self-image and their relationship, partner included. The joy of the process is completely sacrificed at the altar of the outcome. But the outcome is also sacrificed for the sake of a bigger outcome.

 

3. Jealousy as compensation for inability to be perfect

 

In a narcissistic modus operandi jealousy isn’t just a fleeting emotion but a foundation. Chin et al (16) confirm that narcissism is significantly correlated with emotional jealousy due to the inherent insecurity associated with the trait.

The explanation is simple. For a narcissistic person a perceived danger coming from a partner’s personal relationships is a direct threat to their own status. If their partner is receiving attention from someone else, it means they are not being perfectly reflected as the most desirable person “in the room”. This is why they often work so hard to limit their partner’s contacts.

The same happens with narcissistic parents – they tend to limit their children’s social interactions, don’t like when children visit their friends, and don’t like to entertain them at their own house.

It’s a desperate attempt to manage the insecurity of observing the connection or pleasure they crave but cannot access. In their perception, when someone is experiencing joy it is evidence that someone else is winning, therefore they are losing.

 

4. Connection between narcissism and depression

 

Some researchers (9, 10) see narcissistic attempts to show superiority as a form of defense against depression and its feeling of inferiority. Rathvon & Holmstrom (10) tell us that vulnerable narcissism correlates positively with depression and anxiety. Ashby (17) demonstrates that narcissism is negatively correlated with self-esteem, creativity and satisfying intimate relationships and positively correlated with depression.

We know that depressive people have difficulties feeling pleasure, so the connection between narcissism and depression might explain why around narcissistic people their loved ones might feel similarly to being around depressed people.

Lyons et al (11) findings also bolster the above and tell us that parental narcissism relates to depression and anxiety in young adults. Denying and devaluing a child’s experiences e.g., celebrations, hobbies, and friendships, might not only make children depressed and isolated, but also guide their strategies in romantic relationships as an adult.

 

5. Shame and emptiness

 

The narcissistic see-saw between grandiosity and nonentity has long been known, the latter accompanied by intense shame (7). The shame tells the person that they are not enough and are fundamentally flawed. This shame is so terrifying that the narcissistic mind will do anything to avoid it. After all, between pursuing pleasures and avoiding unpleasantries, the mind will always choose the latter (it was noted already by Sigmund Freud).

To truly enjoy a moment and derive pleasure from life, one needs to stop managing their image. However, shame and emptiness always push the person to prove their worth – to others as well as to themselves. The narcissistic voice whispers, and sometimes screams, that if you’re not the absolute best, you are nothing. So they must keep moving, keep striving, keep dominating. And it’s exhausting.

Unfortunately, this spills onto others. It’s not enough that they are unable to enjoy their own life, they can’t let others enjoy theirs either. After all, how can you endorse something you have no idea about?

Conclusion

Therapy with narcissistic people aims to deal with relentless striving and helps them learn to slow down and stop. To notice that there are many things in life worth contemplating and enjoying. To teach them the value of being, not just doing. To help them deal with shame and its deeply rooted causes.

Therapy with partners and children of narcissistic people aims to help them build boundaries, get rid of guilt about enjoyment and validate their own reality, which is different from that of the narcissistic family member.

You might also be interested in reading Parental Envy: The Silent Thief of Joy and Fulfillment 

Bibliography:

 

1. Monk, I. R. (2001). Adult children of covertly narcissistic families: a look at their romantic relationships (T). University of British Columbia.

2. Ateret Gewirtz-Meydan & Ricky Finzi-Dottan (2017): Narcissism and relationship satisfaction from a dyadic perspective: The mediating role of psychological aggression, Marriage & Family Review

3. Ye, S., Lam, Z. K. W., Ma, Z., & Ng, T. K. (2016). Differential relations of narcissism and self‐esteem to romantic relationships: The mediating role of perception discrepancy. Asian Journal of Social Psychology, 19(4), 374-384.

4. Casale, S., Fioravanti, G., Baldi, V., Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2019). Narcissism, perfectionistic self-presentation, and relationship satisfaction from a dyadic perspective: Narcissism and Relationship Satisfaction. Self and Identity, 19(8), 948–966.

5. Avi Besser, Virgil Zeigler-Hill, Michael Weinberg, Aaron L. Pincus. Do great expectations lead to great disappointments? Pathological narcissism and the evaluation of vacation experiences, Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 89, 2016, Pages 75-79

6. Casale, S., Fioravanti, G., Baldi, V., Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2019). Narcissism, perfectionistic self-presentation, and relationship satisfaction from a dyadic perspective: Narcissism and Relationship Satisfaction. Self and Identity, 19(8), 948–966.

7. McWilliams, N. (2011). Psychoanalytic diagnosis: Understanding personality structure in the clinical process (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.

8. Rasco, D., & Warner, R. M. (2017). Relationship authenticity partially mediates the effects of attachment on relationship satisfaction. The Journal of Social Psychology, 157, 445–457.

9. Paul Rose,The happy and unhappy faces of narcissism, Personality and Individual Differences,Volume 33, Issue 3, 2002, Pages 379-391, ISSN 0191-8869

10. Natalie Rathvon & Robert W. Holmstrom (1996) An MMPI-2 Portrait of Narcissism, Journal of Personality Assessment, 66:1, 1-19

11. Lyons M, Brewer G, Hartley A-M, Blinkhorn V. “Never Learned to Love Properly”: A Qualitative Study Exploring Romantic Relationship Experiences in Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents. Social Sciences. 2023; 12(3):159.

12. Rhodewalt, F., & Morf, C.C. (1998). On self-aggrandizement and anger: A temporal analysis of narcissism and affective reactions to success and failure. Journal of Personalityand Social Psychology, 74, 672–685.

13. Bachar, E., Hadar, H., & Shalev, A. (2005). Narcissistic vulnerability and the development of PTSD: A prospective study. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 193, 762–765.

14. Flett, G. L., Besser, A., Hewitt, P. L., & Davis, R. A. (2007). Perfectionism, silencing the self, and depression. Personality and Individual Differences, 43, 1211–1222.

15. Edward P. Lemay, Margaret S. Clark, “You’re Just Saying That.” Contingencies of self-worth, suspicion, and authenticity in the interpersonal affirmation process, Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Volume 44, Issue 5, 2008, Pages 1376-1382, ISSN 0022-1031

16. Kristi Chin, Breanna Ellen Atkinson, Hana Raheb, Elizabeth Harris, Philip A. Vernon, The dark side of romantic jealousy, Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 115, 2017, Pages 23-29, ISSN 0191-8869

17. ASHBY JR, H. U. (1978). An MMPI scale for narcissistic personality disorder. Northwestern University.

Published by author on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-psychology-of-relationships-and-emotional-intelligence/202509/what-drains-the-joy-from