What is Co-Narcissism?
How people adapt to the narcissists in their lives

We often talk about narcissism in terms of the person exhibiting the traits: the grandiosity, the lack of empathy, the need for admiration, and the readiness to manipulate or use others. But for those living in their shadow, the story is written in a different language – one of vigilance, silence, avoidance, and carefully managed steps.

If you grew up or currently live with a narcissistic person, you know the terrain well: you walk on eggshells, constantly monitor their mood, and adjust your behavior to avoid conflict.

Many dismiss this hyper-vigilance as simply being an anxious person. However, psychologist Alan Rappoport coined a term to describe how people adapt to narcissistic family members: “co-narcissism.” It’s important to be transparent that this is one researcher’s term and not an official diagnosis or a psychiatric term, but it’s easy to see why it’s used. The prefix “co-” so effectively captures the dynamic of being a partner or complement to the narcissistic person’s behavior, highlighting how those around them are drawn into a supporting role in response to the narcissist’s needs.

Narcissism and Self-Esteem

Dr. Rappoport defines narcissism as something rooted in extremely low self-esteem. Narcissistic people are terrified of being seen as inadequate, so to protect themselves, they try to control how others view them. They present themselves as rigid, easily offended, and self-absorbed. They don’t care much about empathy for those surrounding them, and their world revolves around their own needs. They often see their children as extensions of themselves – being there to meet their emotional demands (Rappoport, p. 1-2).

Think of a parent who demands that the child become a lawyer because the parent was, or wanted to be, one. When the child chooses art instead, the parent rejects him. Thus, the child isn’t seen as a separate person with their own dreams, but as a mere character in the parent’s story.

Where Co-Narcissism Comes In

This is where the child develops a survival strategy: if you can’t be your own person, you learn to be what the parent needs. Rappoport calls this “the co-narcissistic adaptation”. The child becomes a neither willing nor consenting loyal audience to the narcissist’s one-person show, needing to cheer and clap whether they want it or not.

If you were that child, you probably learned your part well:

– You worked hard to please, becoming the source of validation.
– You deferred to others’ opinions, stifling your disagreement.
– You worried endlessly about what people thought of you.
– Your own feelings and views were fuzzy and faded into the background.
– As an adult, you might often feel depressed, anxious, or guilty – quickly taking the blame when things go wrong.

These children are led to believe that they are inherently selfish for having needs at all or refusing to clap on cue. Why? Because their parents label any independence as a betrayal.

Response to Narcissistic Parents

Rappoport breaks down three ways children typically respond to narcissistic parents: identification, compliance, and rebellion.

*   Identification: You become like them. You adopt their traits, maybe their grandiosity or their critical nature, just to feel connected.
*   Compliance: This is the classic co-narcissist role. You become the supportive, approving audience they crave. You manage their ego from moment to moment.
*   Rebellion: You fight their definition of you by doing the opposite, like the gifted kid who fails school to spite a demanding parent. But even this rebellion is still a reaction to them. You’re not free, but are bound and defined by fighting the script.

Most of us who grew up in narcissistic families and learned these survival strategies bounce between these roles. You might be co-narcissistic with a demanding boss, then turn around and act narcissistically with a partner who’s in a more compliant mood. Both sides stem from that same shaky sense of self.

The Path Out: Building the New Kind of Relationship

Rappoport also tells us about the hopeful part. Therapy for “co-narcissism” moves beyond digging up the past and into experiencing a completely different kind of relationship in the present.

“Co-narcissistic” people walk in assuming the therapist, like everyone else, is narcissistic. A huge part of the therapeutic work is testing that assumption and seeing if this person can really listen to you, and whether they can hold your experience without needing you to manage theirs (1).

When you find a therapist who embodies empathy, warmth, and genuineness (qualities which Carl Rogers – the pioneer in humanistic psychology – particularly emphasized), it’s quite revolutionary, as it disproves your deepest fear: that all relationships are transactional and are about pleasing the other person. You get to experience what it’s like when both people matter. For maybe the first time, you’re in a relationship where no one has to disappear or diminish oneself.

Why Co-narcissism is Adaptation and not Selfishness

When you read the case studies of Mario, drifting in isolation, or Jane, paralyzed by the belief she can never succeed, you may recognize yourself in their stories, particularly in that unearned sense of guilt and the habit of fading away during conversations.

This fading is a survival strategy learned in a relational system of subjugation to a narcissistic caregiver, where you were taught to mute your realness and suppress your own subjectivity to satisfy the needs of a dominant parent. Co-narcissism is a set of functional, yet painful, survival skills you developed as a child.

The therapeutic goal here would not be to drown you in blaming your parents, but to help you understand the environment that shaped your adaptation strategies. You can find your own way forward once you know where you started.

Emotional relief and inner independence arrive when you realize that you are not and never were responsible for another adult’s emotional regulation or self-actualization. Your value does not need to be earned by pleasing them or anyone else, for this matter, but is simply there, and there is nothing selfish about recognizing and embracing it.

Bibliography:

Rappoport, Alan. “Co-Narcissism: How We Accommodate to Narcissistic Parents.” 2005.

Published by author on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-psychology-of-relationships-and-emotional-intelligence/202602/how-people-adapt-to-the