2 Reasons Why Couples Therapy Fails

Usually people approach couples therapy as a last resort to salvage their relationship that has been deteriorating for 2 to 3 years, according to research (1). Yet, many leave without tangible results. While the therapist you’ve chosen might not be a good fit, there might also be things that aren’t about the therapist, their treatment approach, or their experience, so you can influence them to make therapy more successful and efficient. Let me share with you the two instances of when couples therapy is bound to fail, why, and what you can do about it.

1) Posing too general or grand questions

A primary reason for failure in therapy lies in the attempt to resolve big and complex questions on the spot. Every couple (every individual as well) enters therapy with the sincere desire to be happier, improve their communication, and reduce anxiety and stress. This is pretty universal. Then, having made this initial, and no doubt, very important step, they expect a miracle.

This instance of magical thinking, when one expects to get results just because they came to therapy, saps the process. Coming to therapy is a beginning, but it’s just the start of the process. It is accompanied by a dialogue between the partners and with the therapist, and inevitably with resistance on the clients’ side, because – let’s face it – changes are difficult. And so is talking about things that make one angry, sad, ashamed, guilty, or unsatisfied.

Therapeutic work with couples, to a higher degree than with individuals, consists of addressing specific examples of miscommunication, the concrete instances of being unhappy, of feeling disappointment, of being angry and so on. The study of Snyder at al which included 55 couples who took therapy found that deficient problem-solving communication predicted poorer outcomes and even divorce at follow-up, thus indicating that concrete problems need to be addressed. (2)

Therefore, to effectively deal with grand, profound questions of happiness, stress reduction, or anxiety management requires moving beyond abstract desires for better communication or to feel better. It demands a meticulous examination of specific life examples. A general wish to communicate better holds little power unless it is grounded in the particular moment from last Tuesday when a comment about household chores escalated into a silent dinner.

That’s why many couples are disappointed at the beginning of therapy, as they are already tired of (unsuccessfully) talking about these small issues between themselves, and now they need to share them in therapy too, whereas they would like to jump to something bigger. However, this is the way, as therapy fails when it remains in the realm of generalities.

2) Rush

Most of the couples coming to therapy, especially for the first time, prefer to do it fast. They tend to think that fast is efficient. While milder issues can be dealt with fast, the accumulated psychological, emotional, or communication difficulties cannot be resolved quickly.

Oftentimes, couples come with underlying conflicts which are not visible immediately. For instance, a couple may present a conflict about finances, and in their urgency to find a solution, they may become fixated on a budget without ever exploring the deeper meanings they each assign to money. One partner may see financial security as a symbol of love and care, while the other may view strict budgeting as a form of control. So, the underlying conflict is not about money; it’s about love and control. Until they understand it, the conflict will migrate to a different realm of life, remaining unresolved.

To help the couples in their relationship, the underlying issues need to be identified, communication styles need to be adjusted, expectations established and voices and disappointments made obvious and dealt with, emotions addressed – all that in order to progress. And it requires time.

In order to complete therapy faster, partners might unconsciously resort to different emotional tactics. For instance, William Doherty writes about partners scaring one another and their therapist. “I start emotional, you start rational, I get angrier and you get more controlled. Then I mention your mother and you blow up, which pleases me immensely.” (3) The therapist feels overwhelmed with the couple’s problems, gets frustrated early, and actively advises couples to separate. As a result, the couple gets their “fast” therapy – the therapist said they need to separate, and it’s certainly faster than resolving the standing couples’ challenges!

So, one of the most difficult challenges a couples therapist faces is resisting the couple’s haste. Playing the couple’s rush game is losing patience and showing them that they are not amenable to treatment or counseling, which is counterproductive to helping them make progress in resolving their problems.

To conclude: Coming to therapy is a great beginning, but it’s just a beginning and a start of work. Your therapist can’t do the work instead of you, neither can he or she shorten it. Bigger, grand problems need to be broken down into smaller parts. Tackling the smaller issues one session at a time on a regular basis will lead to steady progress.

 

Bibliography:

1) Harris, S., Hall, E., Hubbard, A., & Doherty, W. (2021). How long do people wait before seeking couples therapy? A research note. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 47(4), 882–890.

2) Snyder DK, Mangrum LF, Wills RM. Predicting couples’ response to marital therapy: a comparison of short- and long-term predictors. J Consult Clin Psychol. 1993 Feb;61(1):61-9.

3) Doherty, W. J. (2002). Bad couples therapy: How to avoid doing it. Psychotherapy Networker, 26(6), 26–33.

Published by author on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-psychology-of-relationships-and-emotional-intelligence/202510/2-reasons-why-couples