Why We Are Most Unhappy at 40-46 and What to Do About It
Learn about the “U-Curve” Trap
External crises such as wars, pandemics, and economic turmoil have a strange power: they jolt us out of our daily routines and trigger a state of deep self-reflection. In these moments, we suddenly stop and ask ourselves the big questions:
Am I living the right life?
Am I doing what I truly want?
Am I satisfied with my relationships?
Usually, we brush these thoughts aside in the everyday race of life, but when the outside world is shaky, and especially when you are at a certain age, they rise to the surface.
The Midlife Paradox
You’re 40 to 45 and objectively successful and accomplished. But somehow you’re feeling completely drained, like you’ve run out of fuel and can’t go any further. Life starts to seem harsh and unforgiving – “nasty, brutish, and short”, as philosopher Thomas Hobbes would put it (2).
The unsettling realization might be catching up with you: all the things you’ve achieved, such as the career, the money, the status, the marriage, the parenthood, aren’t going to make you happy forever. This thought might trigger a genuine sense of panic, making you wonder, if not all these things, then what will bring true fulfillment. Professor Kieran Setiya, in his book “Midlife: A Philosophical Guide”, calls this state “an uncomfortable blend of nostalgia, regret, claustrophobia, and fear.” (2)
According to James Hollis, a Jungian analyst, our 40s is when we go through something called the “Middle Passage” (3). That’s the time when the old ideas and beliefs that used to give our life meaning stop working, but we haven’t found anything new to replace them yet. Calling it a ‘bad day,’ ‘feeling down,’ or ‘being tired’ you might miss the point, as the situation is much more existential. And this experience is known to have a clear mathematical confirmation.
What the Numbers Say: The U-Shaped Happiness Curve
Economists David Blanchflower and Andrew Oswald (1) analyzed more than 500,000 surveys from 72 countries around the world – from the USA to Zimbabwe. Their conclusion: when it comes to how happy people are with their lives, it follows a U-shaped pattern. The lowest point, the bottom of this curve, occurs between the ages of 40 and 46.
This is what this data reveals.
1. The Collapse of Future Illusions
When we’re young, around 20, we tend to think that our lives will really begin at some point in the future. We make promises to ourselves: “Once I graduate, I’ll finally start living,” or “Once I get that promotion, my life will really take off.” Some of us even think that buying a house will be the key to happiness. But by the time we’re 45, reality sets in, and we’ve either achieved these goals or we haven’t. Either way, the excitement and anticipation begin to fade.
You realize that the next step up the career ladder isn’t a magical solution. It is just another rung – no longer the hopeful gateway to a perfect life, but just a part of the journey.
As people get older, they start to understand their real strengths and weaknesses. Blanchflower and Oswald suggest that in mid-life, we compare our real life to the dreams we had when we were younger. The gap between what we wanted and what we actually got brings the biggest disappointment at this point.
2. The Peak of Responsibility
When you’re in your 40s, it can feel like you’re being pulled in a million different directions. You’re trying to be a rockstar at work, while also being a great parent to your teenagers, who need you now more than ever (even though they might behave to the contrary). At the same time, you’re taking care of your aging parents, who might be relying on you more for support. And let’s not forget about the adult responsibilities, like paying off mortgages and loans. The number of “fronts” is off the charts.
The stress at this life-stage is overwhelming, even if everything seems okay on the surface. You’re fighting a war on multiple fronts, and the pressure to balance all these roles can make you feel like you’re barely keeping your head above water.
3. Money Stops Working
Even when researchers took income into account, the point where people tend to be the least happy barely moved. They tested the hypothesis: maybe at 40, we’re unhappy simply because we don’t have enough money? It turns out that’s not the case.
Even people who are making a lot more money than they were at 25 can still feel deeply unfulfilled. It seems that once you have enough to cover your basic needs, making more doesn’t necessarily make you happier. You can be earning three times as much as you did at 25, but feel three times worse. Money seems to lose its power to boost our mood once our fundamental needs are met.
4. The 44 Depression Paradox
Blanchflower and Oswald took a closer look at the data, analyzing over a million people in Britain using a clinical tool called the General Health Questionnaire to measure mental health. Their finding was definitive: the peak of depressive states occurs right at 44 years old. As they put it, “The probability of depression rises until mid-life and then declines” (1).
At this age, you’re at a higher risk of depression, as according to the research your mental health is at the lowest point of the U-shaped cycle (as opposed to being simply ‘burned out’ or ‘going soft’).
5. The Sweet 50s?
After passing the bottom at around 46, the curve starts to crawl upward. Researchers link this to the psyche gradually changing its priorities. People begin to:
– compare themselves less to others
– chase external status less
– value quiet joys, emotional closeness, and relationships more
According to Carstensen’s socioemotional selectivity theory (4), as people get older, their time horizon shortens. They start to focus on the present moment and what truly matters, rather than worrying about an infinite future.
However, after 50, they may also face new challenges like the “empty nest” crisis or the pre-retirement crisis, which can make the journey up the curve a bit rocky.
6. There Is a Way Out: The Story of Kieran Setiya
At the age of 35, Professor Kieran Setiya found himself at a crossroads. He had everything he thought he wanted: a prestigious position as an MIT professor, a loving family, and financial security. Yet, despite all these accomplishments, he couldn’t shake off a feeling of emptiness. As he looked at the life he had carefully constructed, the long, predictable road ahead stretched out before him like a straight line – a never-ending sequence of achievements leading ultimately to retirement, decline, and death. This daunting prospect left him feeling anxious and unfulfilled.
What did he do? He stopped running, and instead immersed himself in things that have no end point or completion: aimless walks, open conversations with friends, self-knowledge for the sake of interest (not achievements), and raising his children not as a “project to produce a [successful] human,” but as an enjoyable process. The combination of all that brought him relief.
When we’re dealing with tough times, especially at midlife and against a backdrop of world instability, there emerges a powerful opportunity for deep positive change. Individual psychodynamic therapy can help, during this period, to live in the moment and appreciate what’s happening right now, rather than getting caught up in worries about the future or past. By being more present, you can feel more grounded and satisfied.
This journey leads to a process Carl Jung called individuation. Accumulating more accomplishments no longer holds the answer. Instead, life begins adding a qualitative dimension to the quantitative one. You start to find new sources of strength and renewal in unexplored places, and your past experiences become the foundation upon which you build your next steps, allowing you to grow and rise again in the second half of life.
Bibliography:
1. Blanchflower DG, Oswald AJ. Is well-being U-shaped over the life cycle? Soc Sci Med. 2008 Apr;66(8):1733-49. doi: 10.1016/j.socscimed.2008.01.030. Epub 2008 Mar 7. PMID: 18316146.
2. Setiya, Kieran. Midlife: A Philosophical Guide. Princeton and Oxford: Princeton University Press, 2017
3. Hollis, James. The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning in Midlife. Inner City Books, 1993.
4. Carstensen, L.L., Fung, H.H. & Charles, S.T. Socioemotional Selectivity Theory and the Regulation of Emotion in the Second Half of Life. Motivation and Emotion 27, 103–123 (2003).
Published by author on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-psychology-of-relationships-and-emotional-intelligence/202603/what-to-do-when-you-hit
