Money as a Substitute for Love and Closeness

Have you ever wondered what is the role of money not in the material, but in the psycho-emotional side of your relationship?

There is a myriad of subjects about which couples argue when it comes to finances: who spends too much, who earns not enough, what are the priorities – long-term investments or spending now, who secretly helps their parents or children from a previous marriage, who feels controlled, who feels dismissed, and the list goes on. However, when couples fight about money, it’s almost never about the money itself.

Money has multiple meanings and these meanings are very personal, subjective, and linked to the perception of the self, especially within a relationship. Multiple research studies cited in this article demonstrate that for people money serves as:

• security guarantor

• interpersonal boundaries regulator

• substitute for love that was absent in childhood

• status and power over others

• confirmation of achievement

• validation of self-worth

So, by extension, when a couple argues about money, they argue about these very things.

We turn to conflicts about money when we are anxious about something else

Norris et al. published an interesting research in 2012 in which they found that anxiously attached individuals – those who are unsure and worry about the security of their personal connections – tend to adopt materialistic values as a way to cope with loneliness, essentially substituting material possessions for people. (2) Materialism fills a communicational and social void but fails to provide what only human relationships can: warmth, closeness, and reciprocity.

Why is it relevant to couples communication about money? Because not only anxiously attached people tend to get anxious. If we believe existential psychology, anxiety is a very basic human condition which gets aggravated at times of stress. Therefore, when either you or your partner get anxious about non-material things, such as not getting enough attention or feeling sexually rejected in your relationship, not being valued at work, the aging parents, the life choices of your teenager – you may automatically and without paying attention bring your discussions and arguments to money and finances.

The research states that what mediates the relationship between anxious attachment and materialism is loneliness. In other words, the pain of feeling disconnected is what drives people to seek comfort in things.

The same goes within a relationship. When you feel lonely due to pressing circumstances or not being heard and understood by your partner, you may default to hook them on material topics as a way to deal with your loneliness. And they may do the same.

At stressful times it gets especially difficult to form and maintain sound attachment, even if you’ve been married for 20 years, because either you or your partner become less emotionally available, more preoccupied and distressed, and in mental health conditions such as depression, it is especially challenging to reach an emotionally fulfilling contact. Thus loneliness aggravates and the subject of money surfaces to fill it.

In arguments about money we unconsciously look for safety, security and pain-relief

Another study, by Chang and Arkin “Materialism as an attempt to cope with uncertainty” (2002), explored exactly the point in its title. They established that people turn to material possessions not necessarily out of greed, but out of a need to cope with uncertainty.

When people feel uncertain about themselves or sense that the world lacks clear rules and meaning, and the future is unpredictable and therefore disappointing, they turn to material things as a way to restore a sense of control and purpose in life.

The research showed that self-doubt amplified money fixation and the latter reduced life satisfaction and positive life perceptions.

Another study by Ward et al. (4) showed that people who base their self-esteem on money have more financial conflicts with their partner and report feeling less satisfied and supported in their relationship.

What follows from it is that when complaining about money, a person might actually be complaining about the lack of support in their relationship, uttering a symbolic cry for the partner to bolster their self-worth and to give more appreciation, showing that they are valuable to them.

Another interesting connection between money and pain was found in a fascinating 2009 experiment, where Zhou and colleagues showed that simply handling money reduced both the sting of social rejection and the pain of hot water – suggesting money serves as a psychological analgesic. So, the financial discussions that couples keep having repeatedly can very well serve the purpose to reduce the inner pain about something else entirely.

The paradox of money conflicts

The above-mentioned research of Chang and Arkin found another paradoxical thing. The more stressed out people are about finances, the less likely they are to talk about money with their romantic partners. It might seem counter-intuitive, yet financially stressed individuals who needed to have these concrete conversations avoided this subject altogether considering it “perpetual rather than solvable”.

Krueger (1) showed a related pattern. For emotionally deprived persons money discussions were the way to unconsciously replace what is missing, specifically, the internal sense of safety and self-worth, thus turning the attention of themselves and their partners to objects instead of feelings. Money-related conflicts were more pervasive and long-lasting, than any other concrete topics discussed by couples.

So, whether you avoid money talks or get bogged down in endless circular fights about them, you are not actually resolving the issues that originated in the financial domain.

The trap: when we talk about money, we can’t think about anything else

The research by Vohs et al. (2006) gave evidence that participants who were primed (exposed) with reminders of money showed less interest in social interaction. (7)

Additionally, individuals primed with money were much less likely both to ask for help and to give help, more likely to prefer solitude, and they kept more physical distance from others.

You can easily deduce what it means for your relationship – basically, the same. It doesn’t mean that money must not be discussed. It means that for the sake of the quality of your relationship, the subjects standing behind money arguments need to be identified and discussed directly, not through money.

Financial security doesn’t alleviate the arguments

Regardless of financial status, individuals still have financial disagreements with their partners. Therefore, the actual money situation doesn’t explain the conflict. Something else is being argued about, such as the deeper issues of responsibility, fairness, and differing values.

Even among affluent couples, when one or both partners experience self-doubt or uncertainty about their worth, their competence, or their place in the relationship, arguments about money become a proxy for those unspoken insecurities. When couples lack shared values, clear roles, or a common vision for the future, money moves in to fill the gap. (9, 10)

Fights over budgets, spending and savings end up standing in for a bigger, harder conversation: where are we headed, and do we even agree on what makes a good life? The troubling truth is that financial arguments rarely solve what is actually wrong, only rending the wound they were meant to heal.

I’ll conclude with the first sentence of Vohs’ research: “Money has been said to change people’s motivation (mainly for the better) and their behavior toward others (mainly for the worse).” (7)

This is exactly how it works in couples dynamics. While successfully overcoming a financial crisis makes for a rare unifying and solidifying couples experience, the recurrent and overextended talks about money don’t provide answers to the questions that are really about trust, value, identity, and meaning. And these are the questions that you might be trying to discuss when you mention finances.

Published by author on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-psychology-of-relationships-and-emotional-intelligence/202605/money-as-a-substitute-for

Bibliography:

1. Krueger, D. W. 1986. Money, success, and success phobia. In D. W. Krueger (Ed.), The last taboo: Money as a symbol and reality in psychotherapy and psychoanalysis: 3-16. New York: Brunner/Mazel.

2. Norris, J. I., Lambert, N. M., & DeWall, C. N. (2012). Can’t buy me love? Anxious attachment and materialistic values. Personality and Individual Differences, 53(5), 666–669.

3.Chang, L., & Arkin, R. M. (2002). Materialism as an attempt to cope with uncertainty. Psychology & Marketing, 19(5), 389–406.

4. Ward, D. E., Park, L. E., Walsh, C. M., Naragon-Gainey, K., Paravati, E., & Whillans, A. V. (2021). For the love of money: The role of financially contingent self-worth in romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(9), 1–26.

5. Peetz, J., & Robson, J. (2025). A bidirectional link between financial communication in romantic relationships and financial stress. Journal of Family and Economic Issues, *46*(4), 973–984.

6. Zhou, X., Vohs, K. D., & Baumeister, R. F. (2009). The symbolic power of money: Reminders of money alter social distress and physical pain. Psychological Science, 20(6), 700–706.

7. Vohs, K. D., Mead, N. L., & Goode, M. R. (2006). The psychological consequences of money. Science, 314(5802), 1154–1156.

8. Papp, Cummings & Goeke-Morey (2009) — “For Richer, for Poorer: Money as a Topic of Marital Conflict in the Home” (Family Relations, 58, 91–103).

9. Papp, Cummings & Goeke-Morey (2009) — “For Richer, for Poorer: Money as a Topic of Marital Conflict in the Home” (Family Relations, 58, 91–103).

10. Dew, J. P., & Stewart, R. (2012). A financial issue, a relationship issue, or both? Examining the predictors of marital financial conflict. Journal of Financial Therapy, 3(1), 43–61