Exploring 4 Instances of Silence in Relationships and the Trouble They Cause

Silence, often underestimated, holds tremendous power within relationships. It can serve as a smokescreen, concealing conflicts and tensions that simmer beneath the surface. In this blog post, let us delve into the complexities of silence, exploring its various forms and the impact it has on the couple. Through the stories of John and Sarah, we'll shed light on how therapy can help deal with the challenges posed by silence in relationships.

1. The Veil of Tension: When Silence Speaks Volumes

Silence can be more than the absence of words; it can be a potent indicator of underlying conflicts. John and Sarah sit at opposite corners of the room, their silence echoing louder than any spoken words. What lies behind their jointly generated silence? What each of them is hiding? Since they are not talking to each other, they are talking with themselves and this talk is often quite angry. By the time they do decide to talk with one another, each of them has created a conflict in his/her head where they already won and proved themselves right. Meanwhile, their silence is creating an atmosphere of tension, uncertainty and simmering anger. Silence also underscores the distance - the farther they get from one another both psychically and emotionally, the harder it is to talk. In this case therapy can help decrease the distance and bring partners closer together physically and emotionally to enable them to talk with one another, unravel the hidden conflicts and foster open communication.

2. The Different Faces of Silence

Silence manifests in various forms, each carrying its own implications. There's the unsettling silence after an argument, where words remain unspoken, leaving wounds unhealed. Then there's the deliberate silence, where one purposely withholds communication as a means of control or punishment over the partner. For John and Sarah, their silence takes the form of avoidance, as they tiptoe around sensitive topics, fearing open confrontation. Eventually, these issues pile up until they burst and John and Sarah find themselves unable to deal with them as they emerge all at once. Here, therapy could help in learning how to address the undesirable issues and power through them as they appear, instead of silencing them until they explode suddenly and uncontrollably.

3. A Depressive-Anxious Tale of Unspoken Words

Talking has consequences of dealing with the words, therefore more anxious partners may resort to silence as a way of avoiding potentially negative reaction from the partner. John, struggling with depression, finds it difficult to articulate his emotions, opting to retreat into himself. Sarah, on the other hand, battles social anxiety, causing her to avoid difficult conversations out of fear of judgment. Their silence becomes a barrier, that prevents them from understanding and supporting one another, even though and especially in their conditions each of them would love dearly for the other side to provide them with some verbal or physical support. Therapy, in this case, offers a safe space for them to learn to support each other, verbally explore their feelings and learn healthy communication strategies.

4. Silence as an Instrument of Power

Silence is often used as a tool to exert power and even intimidation, and it can be a significant obstacle in relationships. When one speaks, the other remains silent, attempting to control the situation through the weight of their unspoken words. The partner who had initiated the talk then feels anxious and uncomfortable and finds him or herself guessing what is going on in their partner's head. When John senses something is amiss, he musters the courage to ask Sarah, "What's wrong?" Sarah, however, responds with a calculated silence, leaving John in a state of unease and uncertainty. That way Sarah establishes authority over John, making him question himself and corner him into single-handedly trying to bring the standstill to a dialogue. In this case, therapy offers a safe and neutral space where the power dynamics can be put on hold and pave the way to recognize the negative impact of this intimidation tactic and and instead create opportunities to genuinely explore and connect with each other on a deeper level.

In conclusion, silence can be a formidable force within relationships, concealing conflicts and creating tension. Through therapy, individuals like John and Sarah can break free from the grip of omnipotent silence and learn to supersede some parts of silence with appropriate words, or supportive action, to communicate more openly and authentically. By addressing the underlying causes of silence they can turn silence into an opportunity to explore and understand one another on a deeper level, treat each other with empathy, learn to dissipate tension as it builds-up and overcome fear of genuine connection which silence often masks.

Published by the author on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-psychology-of-relationships-and-emotional-intelligence/202310/the-hidden-language-of

Greetings! My name is Boris Herzberg and I am a psychoanalytic therapist, relationship consultant and ICF coach working online.
I help individuals and couples come to terms with their relationship to self and each other and explore ways to move towards a new way of living or being.

I work in a psychoanalytic paradigm but I would describe my therapy approach as adaptive, because I see each person as a unique being and thus work in a holistic way - with people, not with problems.

Psychoanalyst (East-European Institute for Psychoanalysis)
Life-coach (MCI - Master Coach, Israel)
Psychologist (Moscow Institute of Group Therapy and Supervision)

11 years of counselling and coaching

Experience with more than 1700 clients in personal sessions and groups (+600 in educational formats)

Author of the book "The path to yourself. Practical guide to self-development". Contributing author for Psychology Today

Lecturer for self-actualization, relationship building, self-confidence strengthening and overcoming emotional crises (more than 60 offline and online events)

Born in 1980, have lived in 3 countries, in a civil union, loving father of 3 amazing kids and faithful servant to 2 wayward cats

Contact me for any questions
For any questions, you can also contact me directly on mail@borisherzberg.com
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