4 Don'ts in a Relationship According to John Gottman

In the previous post we talked about the 4 main dos according to John Gottman. Now, let's talk about his main 4 don'ts. According to him these are behavioral patterns that will inevitable ruin any relationship at any stage.

1. Criticism.

In one research the family psychologists concluded that as children, we get only 1 YES out of 9 NO's from the adults. This sets the stage for a pattern of criticism and blame in our later lives and projects itself to our relationships as well. If we don't control ourselves consciously, we tend to resort to criticism automatically. It's easy to fall into the trap of criticism and blame, they are easy ways to control our own emotions. When we criticize someone, we feel powerful. When we blame someone, we feel safe because all the guilt is on the other person. When we criticize someone, we can start to feel better but this feeling is only temporary. Criticism also leads to anger and uncontrolled anger undermines the communication and breaks trust. Is there anything we can do about it? Yes, we can identify this wicked temptation and not to always follow it.

2. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is often our go-to response when someone challenges our boundaries. So, instead of communicating, we turn to a brawl and snap at the offenders. The defense is the opposite of communication, especially when it comes to an intimate and safe shared environment. Instead of opening up and sharing, we close up and behave aggressively. When one partner starts defending him/herself, another one starts attacking them. When both partners start defending themselves, intimacy and trust disappear from a relationship. Sarcasm, which isn't an innocuous joke but a desire to hurt someone's feelings while appearing innocent, is one of the most common methods of defending ourselves. When we use sarcasm, we're actually communicating that we don't care about the other person's feelings and we're not interested in engaging in a dialogue. This type of defensive communication creates distance and inhibits the exchange of ideas.

When both partners start defending themselves, the result is a communication stalemate. This is never a healthy environment for a relationship and eventually it will break down. Intimacy and trust disappear, and the defensive spiral continues. If you find yourself engaged in a communication battle with your partner, try to take a step back and assess the situation. If you can't resolve the issue, it might be time to seek outside help. A therapist can help you to open up and share vulnerably, which is the foundation of a healthy relationship.

3. Contempt.

Contempt is the opposite of respect. The feeling of contempt consists of the feelings of anger and disgust, which are very powerful feelings. The former makes us bottle up and attack, the latter makes us humiliate our partner, even if we don't feel that we do so. The non-verbal language betrays it all. When one partner places him/herself above the other and lets the contempt take over them, the only place in a relationship left for the other partner is to remain below and obediently take anger and disgust. The relationship then reminds the military structure where the one above gives orders (and is genuinely annoyed when regulations are violated), and the other one is expected to fulfill them. Granted, that they don't fulfill them because they aren't a soldier and a relationship is not the army. Thus there can be established the dangerous roles of a Persecutor and a Victim.

4. Stonewalling.

Avoidance and stonewalling are two words that often go hand-in-hand in a relationship and they can slowly but surely damage it. Avoidance happens when one partner says that it's not them facing some problem, it's only their partner. They refuse to see and address any issues and problems. They expect them to just magically disappear. Avoidance of unpleasant topics or unpleasant relationship dynamics causes a distance and gradual disappearance from the life of a person with whom we could build a healthy relationship. How to can stonewalling be addressed? Share your feelings with the "I" language. I feel, I want to talk, I need. Thus, we take responsibilities for our own needs. Try not to ignore uncomfortable subjects. Yes, it may feel awkward to talk about some things and we rather not to, but if ignored these issues will gradually snowball into a much bigger problem. Give yourself some space and time to be avoidant but after that get back to the relationship space and talk about what's wrong. Keeping the right distance without disappearing from the relationship completely and without merging into the partner and losing yourself is a genuine form of art that may not come easily but it surely can be developed with a little bravery.