How couples can deal with sexual rejection better

In my previous article "Dealing with a sexless relationship", I described why lovers lose sexual desire. The reasons for this can either be external (triggered by events) or internal (relationship-related), and they need to be approached differently.

When one of the partners loses sexual desire, another gets rejected. Sexual rejection can be especially painful in a long-term monogamous relationship where partners rely exclusively on one another to fulfill their sexual needs. Therefore it creates the void in the rejected partner which none but the declining partner can fill.

What is the difference in reaction to sexual vs. non-sexual rejection?

A need for acceptance and belonging evolved as a fundamental tenet of human nature. Feeling inadequately valued in any relationship creates strong emotional responses.

Neuroscientific studies suggest that the neural regions triggered during rejection (dorsal anterior cingulate cortex and anterior insula) are also associated with physical pain. That is why people report feeling hurt and literal physical pain when being rejected. (2)

Rehman et al. (3) reveal that, in a relationship, couples perceive sexual discussions as potentially threatening because they might cause strong feelings, such as embarrassment, confusion, as well as anxiety, shame, and guilt. Adding all of these feelings to the pain of the rejection which might stem from such discussions, it becomes clear that couples tend to avoid sexual discussions altogether.

What triggers sexual rejection in a couple?

Sometimes sexual rejection is not about sex per se. Rather it’s a partner’s way of saying “I am angry at you” or “I am disappointed with you” for something entirely unrelated, but painful or traumatic. When we are angry or disappointed, we can’t always explain why or remember what exactly caused these feelings. Instead, we might retaliate where it hurts the most - via rejection.

Also, when hurt, some people tend to avoid being approached, touched, hugged, or kissed.

The rejection for a select issue, intimacy in this case, can also serve as an expression that something is lacking in the relationship for the rejecting individual. For instance, if one partner initiates lovemaking and the other feels that they don’t get enough romanticism within a relationship, or that they do not feel appreciated enough, loved enough, or positively validated, that they do not get enough attention, they might express it by refusing sexual advances.

Demanding or withholding lovemaking can also be a game of power in a relationship. Here, rejection might appear as a part of domination dynamics. Whoever decides when to have and respectively not to have sex, shows his or her dominance over the partner. This aspect can be especially strong in competitive couples and achievers.

There are opposite examples of non-refusal, which however bring the same results. In fear of losing the partner, the individual agrees to engage in sex. Pleasure in such situations is limited, and sex is usually somewhat mechanical as opposed to intimate and emotional. Such a passive role during lovemaking is often perceived by the other party as rejection because the submissive partner is not enjoying the act and it feels forced.

Approaching intimate discussions constructively. How?

To answer this question, it would be useful to consider how, or rather when, you initiate conversations with your partner in general. Some people make a timing mistake. They attempt to talk about serious things when their partner is not ready. So, it is a good idea to warn your partner in advance that you would like to speak with them, name the subject - sex in our case, and ask when they would be ready to do so. That eliminates the untimeliness of the conversation.

Another thing having to do with the timing is whether your partner is in the mood to speak about it. Before we initiate a discussion, especially for such an emotionally laden and potentially threatening and exclusive subject as sex, we better make sure that the partner is not stressed, is not distracted deeply about their personal issues, isn’t dejected, not feeling unwell, etc.

If we pay attention to the partner’s emotional state, especially when this state persists, it can be self-explanatory why they currently aren’t in the mood for sex.

Satisfaction from discussion

As Theiss and Estlein confirmed, the avoidance of sexual discussion is associated with decreased intimacy and can contribute to the termination of the relationship. And vice versa, couples who communicate openly and directly about their sexual relationship tend to be more sexually and relationally satisfied. (4)

In the same study, men were found to prefer a direct way of communication with regard to sexual dissatisfaction and rejection, as they are often uncertain about acceptable sexual behavior, while women preferred indirect sexual communication and are more comfortable with avoiding direct confrontation about the topic altogether.

The specific ways of how we convey sexual rejection matter. If the refusal is gentle and substantiated, it hurts less than a refusal that is conveyed angrily. If refusal is angry it brings more threat to the already threatening subject. For some people, it is difficult to deal with any rejection as it elicits their trauma.

Research has demonstrated that the ways in which partners communicate sexual rejection, e.g. either by expressing reassurance or hostility, can shape the sexual and general relationship satisfaction of both partners (Kim, Muise, & Impett, 2018).

It is, therefore, useful for a couple to learn to talk about anger separately touching upon the issues that cause it, and not express it by means or during sexual rejection and try to bring compassion to the subject of rejection.

Conclusion

As noted above, the pain from rejection, especially sexual rejection is real. But, as we've explored, the rejection itself is not often about sex—it's tied to deeper emotional needs, unspoken frustrations, and even unresolved conflicts in the relationship.

Sexual discussions tend to be avoided by couples as they might spark unwanted negative emotions and the fear that the issue is irresolvable. However, if couples avoid this subject altogether, it affects the whole relationship negatively, not only its sexual aspect. The way we communicate during these moments—whether with anger or compassion—can have a huge impact on our relationship.

Eventually, it’s on the couple to work out an effective and mutually accepted communication strategy about lovemaking engagement and refusal. Ideally, this strategy wouldn’t be based on avoiding the subject, but also abstaining from discussing it angrily.


Bibliography

1. Kim, J. J., Horne, R. M., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2019). Development and validation of the responses to sexual rejection scale. Personality and Individual Differences, 144, 88–93.

2. Leary, M. R. (2015). Emotional responses to interpersonal rejection. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 17(4), 435–441.

3.Rehman, U. S., Lizdek, I., Fallis, E. E., Sutherland, S., & Goodnight, J. A. (2017). How Is Sexual Communication Different from Nonsexual Communication? A Moment-by-Moment Analysis of Discussions Between Romantic Partners. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(8), 2339–2352.

4. Theiss, J. A., & Estlein, R. (2013). Antecedents and Consequences of the Perceived Threat of Sexual Communication: A Test of the Relational Turbulence Model. Western Journal of Communication, 78(4), 404–425.

Published by author on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-psychology-of-relationships-and-emotional-intelligence/202410/how-couples-can-deal-with